Tag It And Bag It

When did we, as Americans, get so inept at closing plastic bags? I can remember when I was a young boy and all we had was a plastic sandwich bag and a twist tie. Then Glad invented the wonderful ‘Ziploc’. Well, you would have thought that crazy press and seal was the housewives’ newest vibrator. Back and forth, back and forth all day long, that is all you saw on TV, commercial plugging the new Ziploc bag and how great it was. You could enclose your soup in a plastic bag and play toss with it over your white carpet. How nice!

OK, we get it, your shit works. Everyone buys the bags, and no one seems to have issues with the high tech invention of the closure, but for some reason there seems to be some confusion and they come out with the ‘Yellow and Blue make Green’ closure. Not sure if this is to help preschoolers with their primary colors or what…but hey I can go with the flow.

From the color of the Ziploc to the Zipperloc, they just keep coming up with shit. Because running your finger along the plastic bag was so difficult, they installed a little zipper to close the bag. This new model increased the closure time of bags immensely and housewives across the country could put leftovers away in record time. Come on, are you for real. Are we really that retarded, oh I mean mentally challenged, that we needed help closing a fuckin’ bag?

Now, there is a new bag that has not one, but TWO locks to the zip! Is that really necessary? I mean come on, what kind of shit do you put in your bag that you need two zip locks? If your leftovers are that volatile, and need the extra security of two locks, put it in some Tupperware and be done with it. I think it is getting pretty ridiculous, don’t you? The next thing you’ll see is a Ziploc big enough you can put your head in.

What…they made that? Are you kidding me, an extra, extra, extra large Ziploc for really big leftovers? Hmmm…I see, I guess for when you cook that 30 lb turkey and need to store it whole. Get the fuck out of here. This is just plain silly. We are not stupid and do not need extra locks on the bags, we do not need fancy colors to let us know we’ve closed the bag and we do not need a bag large enough to cram Fido in when we want to throw him off the pier.

I would think all the money spent on research, testing and advertisement could have been spent on something more worth while and actually created something that helped us like a cure for a disease, or a pill that eliminates inventors who create plastic bags with features that are superfluous.

Peace,
DeMo